What is a School Bus Driver?

I have been training individuals for years to become School Bus Drivers. However, I could only train them to safely operate the school bus. There is a lot more that goes into driving a school bus that I have learned over the past few months of filling in for the local school district. Here are some of the larger issues that they never train for.

#1 Garbage cans are the enemy. When you have a 40 foot vehicle that has the turning radius of a brick in a shoe box, you need all the space you can get when you are turning into some of the driveways where the students are. When an ill placed garbage can is right in the way, suddenly you're a ballerina balancing on the banks of a ditch and avoiding a grassy mud hole that will suck in your steer tire faster than the mosh pit at a heavy metal concert.

#2 Snow banks. We are in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. It is the most beautiful place to live. However, our snow banks and drifts can double as spare refrigerators, which comes in handy during those Super Bowl parties for beverages. However, in same cases, there is so much snow that it blocks your view or takes up precious space that you need for your vehicle. This past winter, Alaska seemed to have misplaced it's weather and it wandered up to our front doors. Super high snow drifts are definitely not fun to drive through. And when snow is piled where kids stand while waiting for us means that they are playing on the bank near the road or completely blocked from view while they are waiting. A true School Bus Driver has the ability to penetrate these snow fortresses and anticipate the movements of the multi-layered child who strongly resembles Randy from a Christmas Story as they frolic through the snow in those blissful moments of play before being carted off to the dreadful school building by the large lumbering yellow beast. Meanwhile, elsewhere along the route, snow has taken over precious space we need for turn arounds, which are inevitable. You may think "It's just snow." Oh, no, dear reader. This is an impenetrable wall of white concrete. The snowbank will rip off your bumper and gleefully laugh as you have done nothing to damage its structure and slowly continues to rid you of your precious space challenging every skill and ability you have and putting you to the test. As an added bonus, sometimes, snow banks and garbage cans work together to create an obstacle course that would have even the most skilled Wipe Out contestants saying "Naw".

#3 The general motoring public. Yes, I do train drivers how to safely operate these vehicles on the public roadway. However, when you are actually running a route at 6 am with children getting on in some random, dark places, it hits a little different. There is a reason that our vehicles are lit up like a Christmas tree. Those blinking red lights are not just for decoration. When they are out they mean "STOP". And I do not know how exactly you can miss a giant, yellow brick lumbering your way, but much like our larger counter parts that are on the road, I wouldn't recommend pulling out in front of us. Those impatient individuals that are behind us at intersections as well. Be patient. We have the get-up-and-go of an anesthetized sloth, so we need to wait for a big gap. In some cases, we have no choice but to get going and cause those of you already on the roadway to slow a bit. We apologize, sincerely we do. But we have to get going sometime this millennia. On a related note, I trust your blinker about the same as I trust gas station sushi, so pardon me while I wait for confirmation of your turn by your turned wheels.

#4 "Are we there yet?" My regular training cannot fully prepare a driver for the school bus equivalent of this question. "How many stops until mine?" This brings up a litany of questions in your head of who is on the bus today and you are mentally doing the math. Meanwhile, this child has ridden the school bus for the entire school year, he KNOWS who he gets off after so you tell him to be patient and watch for his house because it will be soon. You know that he has a snow bank that needs to be conquered and he is anxious to get to it before suppertime.

#5 Substitute Bus Drivers. I heavily respect these individuals. Full time bus drivers run the same route, day in and day out. They know the little nuances of their routes and students. Things like "If the moon is full on a Friday and the little hairs on the left side of my neck are tingling, then Johnny gets on the bus this morning" are normal for them and ingrained into their brain like the ability to breathe without thinking about it. For a sub, these nuances are not shared and the route sheets are like following the old printed Map Quest directions of the bygone era. It is very dark in the morning and it seems that no one wants visitors after the sun goes down, so they make their house numbers impossible to see in the darkness. Its as though the Electrolux Man was going to come by to sell a vacuum at 630 in the morning, so they have to be incognito. Parents, if you have kids in school who ride the bus, pretend for a minute that drivers get sick too (especially in a metal tube that doubles as a petri dish for all the germs and whatever sickness is making its rounds this week) and occasionally someone new will have to find your house. Go outside in the dark, and from the roadway, wee if YOU can read the house number. At the very least, fix your porch lights!

#6 Bodily fluids. Yep, it happens. This is definitely one that even IF I had the ability to train for, I have zero desire to add it to the curriculum. This is one of the events that is the true Christening of a Bus Driver. It is going to happen. You lay down the powder that definitely helps, however all your riders are suddenly moving to the other side of the bus or upwind of the mess, throwing the balance totally off. You hope it is an isolated area, but usually there is collateral damage, hopefully just a backpack, but sometimes, it is an innocent seatmate. Chaos ensues and you try to remain calm all while trying not to add to the mess yourself. I don't care what your opinion is, but I will put bus drivers on a pedestal for this one, alone.

Despite all this, I will say that my time with the school assisting as a substitute have been simply amazing. I will miss the kiddos once I am replaced with a regular full-time driver. I hope they love them as much as I have come to, even with the screaming and arguing. And I am sure that there are many more finer details that I have missed and I would love to hear from other bus drivers. What was one thing that happened that you couldn't be prepared for and had to learn on the job?